When a man died, his grieving widow put the
usual death notice in the paper, but added
that her husband had died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a
good friend of the family phoned and
complained bitterly, ""You know very well that
he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.""

Replied the widow, ""I nursed him night and
day, so of course I knew that he died of
diarrhea. But, I thought it would be better for
posterity to remember him as a great lover
rather than the big shit he always was...""

This is is a letter from a sardarji mother to her son at school ...
Pyaarey Puttar ( Dear son), Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow because I know you can-t read fast. We don-t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won-t be able to give you the address as the last sardar who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldnt have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I-m not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE. THE weather here isn-t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don-t make the last payment on GRANDMA-S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I havent found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don-t know whether you are an aunt or uncle! Your uncle jatindar fell into a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for 3 days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. the driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. the other 2 friends drowned because they couldn-t get the gate down. there isn-t much more news at this time. nothing much has happened. love, mom p.s. i was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed. Multani gurpreet

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make
arrangements for her
husband-s funeral. She tells the director that she
wants her husband to be
buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, ""Wouldn-t it just
be easier to bury
him in the black suit that he-s wearing?""

""No,"" she insists. ""My husband wanted it to be a blue
suit."" She then gives him a blank
check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake,
she sees her husband
in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the
director, "" Thank You, that is absolutely perfect! I
love it! How much did it cost?""

He says, ""Actually, it didn-t cost anything. The
funniest thing happened.
As soon as you left, another man was brought in, this
one wearing a dark
blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same
size, and asked the
other widow if she would mind if her husband were
buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her. So, I switched the
heads.

A Sardarji went to a flight school insisting he wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct him on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took him out, showed him how to start it and gave him the basics, and sent him on his way. After he climbed 1000 feet, he radioed in. ""I-m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I-m starting to get the hang of this."" After 2000 feet, he radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched him climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that he hadn-t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as he crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled him from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, he said: ""I don-t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can-t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.""

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private

club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches
rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation
ensues:

- ""Hello?""

- ""Honey, it-s me. Are you at the club?""

- ""Ummm, yes.""

- ""Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are and I just
saw this beautiful mink coat. It-s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy
it, please?""

- ""What-s the price?""

- ""Only $15,000.""

- ""Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...

- ""Ahhh... and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
brand new 2001 models. I saw one I really liked and spoke with the
salesman and he gave me a really good price....and since we really
need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year.......""

- ""What price did he quote you?""

- ""Only $60,000...""

- ""Well, OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.""

- ""Great! But before we hang up, just one more thing....""

- ""What-s that ?""

- ""Now this might look like a little bit much, but I was reconciling
your bank account and...ummm...well, I stopped by the real estate
agent this morning and saw that house we had looked at last year.
It-s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre
of park area, beachfront property...""

- ""So, how much are they asking?""

- ""Only $850,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover...""

- ""Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?""

- ""OK, sweetie...Thanks! I-ll see you later!! I love you!!!""

- ""Bye...I do too...""

The man hangs up while slowly shaking his head and closes the phone-s
flap. Then he holds the phone up and asks to all those present:
""Hey, does anyone know who this phone belongs to?""

A gujrat bhai, who recently fall in love was lured into a busy
florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, ""Say It With
Flowers.""

""Wrap up one rose,"" he told the florist.

""Only one?"" the florist asked.

""Just one,"" Gujju bhai replied. ""I-m a man of few words.""

A Software Engineer And His Wife
Husband : (returning late from work) ""good evening dear, I-m now
logged in.""
Wife : have u brought the grocery?
Husband : bad command or filename.
Wife : but I told u in the morning!
Husband : erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : what about new TV?
Husband : variable not found.
Wife : At least, give me ur credit card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: sharing violation. Access denied..
Wife : do u love me or do u only love computers or r u just being
funny?
Husband : too many parameters.
Wife : I made a big mistake by marring an idiot like u.
Husband: data type mismatch.
Wife : u r useless.
Husband : it-s by default.
Wife : what about ur salary:
Husband : file in use.try later
Wife : what is my value in the family
Husband : unknown virus
Wife : who was the girl with u in the car today?
Husband : system halted. Press Ctrl + Alt + Delete to reboot

HAIRCUTS, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Women-s version:

Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That-s so cute!

Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn-t sure when
she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don-t
think it-s too fluffy looking?

Woman1: Oh God no! No, it-s perfect. I-d love
to get my hair cut like that, but I think my
face is too wide. I-m pretty much stuck with
this stuff I think.

Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is
adorable. And you could easily get one of those
layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.
I was actually going to do that except that I was
afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman1: Oh - that-s funny! I would love to have
your neck! Anything to take attention away from
this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that
would love to have your shoulders. Everything
drapes so well on you.

Men-s version:

Man1: Haircut?

Man2: Yeah.

A man was invited to some old friends- home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy,
""I think it-s wonderful that after all the years you-ve been married,
you still call your wife those pet names.""

His buddy hung his head. ""To tell you the truth, I forgot her name
about ten years ago.""