joke

tom: have u heard of the tallest building in the world?
micheal: yes! why?
tom: well my father owns it.
micheal: really! huh only tht have u heard of the dead sea?
tom: yes! why?
micheal: well my father killed it!

What kind of cars do ghosts drive?
Boo--icks

What did one ghost say to another?
Do you believe in people?

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By
the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he
was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at
his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He
tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen
and more painful.

His maid saw him limping and said, ""I don-t know, I-m only a
maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water,
not hot, for swelling."" He tried switching to cold water, and
the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. ""Say
Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to
soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to
use cold water and it got better.""

""Really?"" answered the doctor, ""I don-t understand it - my
maid said hot water.""

In the jungle, why should you only be afraid when the drums STOP
beating?

That means the guitar solo is gonna start...

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a
solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon
examined him, thought a while, and said, ""yes, I can put you right.""

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The
morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, ""You swine, you
gave me a woman-s ears.""

""Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man-s or a
woman-s.""

""You-re wrong! I hear everything, but I don-t understand a thing!""

Write In C (""Let It Be"") Song


When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
""Write in C.""

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
""Write in C.""

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C..
LOGO-s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you-ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC-s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won-t quite cut it.
Write in C.

Top Ten Computer Lawsuits


What is it with these computer companies and their silly lawsuits? First
you have Digital suing Intel, then Intel countersuing, and now Oracle and
Informix mixing it up. Don-t these guys have anything better to do?
Apparently not, as our list of top ten new computer lawsuits indicates:

10. Larry Ellison sues Bill Gates: unfair to have more money than I!

9. Car Thieves- Union sues HotWired: trademark infringement

8. NetJet sues ValuJet for ruining a perfectly good product name

7. Bill Gates sues Alfred E. Neuman: impersonation

6. EPA sues AOL for polluting landfills with all those damned CDs

5. Intel sues Motorola: ""Oops, Pentium error!""

4. Used Car Dealer Association sues Packard Bell: ""That was our idea!""

3. Microsoft files antitrust suit against U.S. government: ""They run
everything!""

2. U.S. Milk Advisory Board sues Gateway over new slogan: ""Got computers?""

1. Apple sues itself; after all, whose fault is it, anyway?

50 Ways To Confuse People In The Computer Lab


1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream,
""Oh my God! They-ve found me!"" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can-t get the darned thing to work. After he/she-s turned it on,
wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good
half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different
screen than the one it-s set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the ""Smurfs"" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over and over again.

7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don-t know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don-t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
""Just in case..."" mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they-re
crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, ""Oops, I forgot.""

16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray
""Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,"" and scream ""YES!"" when it
finishes.

17. ""Disk fight!""

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you-re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing ""The Lion
Sleeps Tonight"" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to
your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it
doesn-t work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it-s all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing
this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough
to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more
effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them, and deposit them on your neighbor-s keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them on top of