Misc

There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered from the accident was
the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual
handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from
the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business.
He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm.

However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so
he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the
business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each
of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the man
quite a bit.

His last question for this candidate was, ""Do you notice anything
unusual about me?""

The guy said, ""Now that you mention it, you have no ears."" The
man became very upset and threw the guy out of the office.

The second interview went even better than the first. This
candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question again, ""Do you notice anything
unusual about me?""

This guy also noticed, ""Yes, you have no ears."" The man became
very distraught, and threw the second candidate out of the
office.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even
better than the second -- the best out of all of them. Almost
certain that he wanted to hire this candidate, the man once again
asked, ""Do you notice anything unusual about me?""

The candidate replied ""Yes, as a matter of fact I do. You-re
wearing contact lenses.""

Surprised, the asked, ""Wow! That-s quite perceptive of you! How
could you tell?""

""Well, you can-t wear glasses because you have no ears!!""

This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, ""If you
were my husband I would poison your drink,"" and the man says, ""If you
were my wife I would drink it

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about
the problems he was having with his stubborn
girlfriend. ""She gets me so angry sometimes
I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.

""Well, I-ll tell you what I used to do with
my wife,"" replied the Boss. ""Whenever she got
out of hand I-d take her pants down and spank
her.""

Shaking his head the young guy replied, ""That
doesn-t work. Once I get her pants down I-m
not mad anymore.""

HIGH DEFINITION HILARITY
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

As They Get Old...


Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grip.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don-t give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on...
Old printers never die, they-re just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn-t die. He-s in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted
by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says, ""You
sir, are drunk!"" He looks back at her and says, ""And you
ma-am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!""

Here-s a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don-t pay enough to expect that you-ll dress up well; a
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You-ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you-re old, fat or ugly you-ll be told the position has
been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You-ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You-re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You-ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and
do.

I-M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I-ve used Microsoft Office.

I-M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don-t ask me about all the McJobs I-ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I-M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I-M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I-ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I-m never at my desk

Sadie-s husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his
bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions
for her to come closer. He says, ""My Sadie, you have been
with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?""
""What dear?"" she asked gently.
""I think you-re bad luck.""

A young man was walking along the beach
barefooted, when he hit something really
hard with his toe. He bent down to examine
it closer and found out it was a bottle.
He rubbed the bottle and out popped a
beautiful genie, who said, ""You have been
granted 3 wishes.""

The young man said, ""I would like to have
40 million dollars."" The genie handed him
a deposit slip from a Swiss bank with $40
million dollars in the account.

""What is your second wish, Master?"" the
genie asked.

""I would like to have a red Cadillac
convertible."" Poof - there was the car
parked beside him.

""And for your final wish?"", she asked.

""For my third wish,"" the young man replied,
""I would like to be irresistible to women.""
And he turned into a box of chocolates!

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an
obituary. She called the obituary department and said, ""This
is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.""
The man at the newspaper said, ""But for $25 you are
allowed to print six words.""
The woman answered, ""OK. Then print: Bernie is dead.
Toyota for sale.""