If Airlines Operated Like Computers


DOS Airline
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the
plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on
again, and so on.

Linux Airline
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own
airline. They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways
themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the
ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you
board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of
the seat- howto.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very
comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem,
the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other
airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, ""You had to do what
with the seat?""

Mac Airline
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket
agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask
questions about details, you are told you don-t need to know, don-t want to
know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Mach Airline
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then
wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one
piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put
the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane they-re building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers
on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane
lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to
inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airline
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the
plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 46 times,
the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your
seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces
that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room
and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

OS/2 Airline
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by
standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you
want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner,
a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the
plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except
for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which
case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Airline
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and
stewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane arrives, 6
months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff... then, once in the
air the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Airline
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs
in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet
swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Airline
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the
airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build
several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they
got there.

VMS Airline
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians
chec

Nerd Season


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying ""NERDS
NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"" He goes in and sits down. The
bartender comes over to him, sniffs; says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him
what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the
smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says ""OK, truck drivers are not nerds"", and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls
out a shotgun and proceeds to blow the guy away. The truck driver asks him
why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are
overpopulating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don-t even need a
license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load
shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the
freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the
nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can-t let them steal his whole load.
So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer
comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, ""What-s wrong, I thought nerds were in season.""

""Well, sure,"" says the patrolman, ""But you can-t bait -em!""

Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker


10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He-s won the Publisher-s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, ""Oh, puh-leeez"" 95 times during the movie ""The Net.""

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists ""public-key encryption"" among turn-ons.

2. For his welcome voice on AOL, you hear, ""Good Morning, Mr. President.""

1. You hear him murmur, ""Let-s see you use that Visa now, Professor
I- Don-t-Give- A-s-In-Computer-Science!""

If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer


If you messed up your life, you could press ""Ctrl, Alt, Delete"" and start
all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on ""run""! If you needed a break from
life, click on suspend.

Hit ""any key"" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

""Help"" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn-t be necessary. You would use your diskette to
recover from a crash.

And, we could click on ""SEND NOW"" and a Pizza would be on it-s way to you.

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team
rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a
great time, when one of them realizes she doesn-t hear anything
from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches
the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.

She says, ""What the heck-s goin- on up here? We-re havin- a grand
time downstairs!""

One of the blondes looks up and says, ""Yeah, but you-ve got a
driver!""

There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered from the accident was
the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual
handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from
the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business.
He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm.

However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so
he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the
business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each
of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the man
quite a bit.

His last question for this candidate was, ""Do you notice anything
unusual about me?""

The guy said, ""Now that you mention it, you have no ears."" The
man became very upset and threw the guy out of the office.

The second interview went even better than the first. This
candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question again, ""Do you notice anything
unusual about me?""

This guy also noticed, ""Yes, you have no ears."" The man became
very distraught, and threw the second candidate out of the
office.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even
better than the second -- the best out of all of them. Almost
certain that he wanted to hire this candidate, the man once again
asked, ""Do you notice anything unusual about me?""

The candidate replied ""Yes, as a matter of fact I do. You-re
wearing contact lenses.""

Surprised, the asked, ""Wow! That-s quite perceptive of you! How
could you tell?""

""Well, you can-t wear glasses because you have no ears!!""

A man was in his front yard mowing his grass when his neighbor Mr. Singh came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked in, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later he came out of his house again, went right to the mailbox and this time opened it, looked in, felt around it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, he came out again, marched over to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions the man asked him, ""Is something wrong Mr. Singh?""

To which he replied, ""There certainly is!""

""My stupid computer keeps saying, ""YOU-VE GOT MAIL.""

One day, an American was touring Spain.
After his day spent sightseeing, he stopped
at a local restaurant noted for its exotic
cuisine. While sipping his wine, he noticed
a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter
being served at the next table. Not only
did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, ""What is that you
just served?""

The waiter replied, ""Ah, senor, you have
excellent taste! Those are the bull-s balls
from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!""

The American, though momentarily daunted
when he learned the origin of the dish, said
""What the hell, I-m on vacation! Bring me an
order!""

The waiter replied, ""I am so sorry, senor.
There is only one serving a day since there
is only one bullfight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order,
we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!""

The next morning the American returned,
placed hisorder, and was served the one
and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites and inspecting the
contents of his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, ""These are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!""

The waiter promptly replied, ""Si, senor!
Sometimes the bull wins!""

A drunken man gets on the bus late saturday night, staggers up the
aisle, and sits next to a priest.

He looks the man up and down and says, ""I-ve got news for you. You-re
going straight to hell!""

""Well, I can understand that,"" says the drunk man. ""but what did YOU
do?""