Did your hear about the cemetery that raised its burial cost? It blamed the cost of living!

What's the kindest thing you can say about egotists?

At least they don't talk about other people!

Last week, there was a lookalike contest in China. Everybody won!

I drank so much whisky last night - when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition!

If you watch an Apple store getting robbed, are you an iWitness?

How can you tell when your computer's starting to get old? It loses its memory.

Sea Captain: There is no hope! The ship is doomed! In an hour we will all be dead!

Seasick Passenger: Thank God!

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road without being questioned about their motives!