Misc

Courtroom Questions
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the
following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
witnesses:

1. ""Now doctor, isn-t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn-t know about it until the next morning?""

2. ""The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?""

3. ""Were you present when your picture was taken?""

4. ""Were you alone or by yourself?""

5. ""Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?""

6. ""Did he kill you?""

7. ""How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?""

8. ""You were there until the time you left, is that true?""

9. ""How many times have you committed suicide?""

10. Q: ""So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?""
A: ""Yes.""
Q: ""And what were you doing at that time?""

11. Q: ""She had three children, right?""
A: ""Yes.""
Q: ""How many were boys?""
A: ""None.""
Q: ""Were there any girls?""

12. Q: ""You say the stairs went down to the basement?""
A: ""Yes.""
Q: ""And these stairs, did they go up also?""

13. Q: ""Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn-t
you?
A: ""I went to Europe, sir.""
Q: ""And you took your new wife?""

14. Q: ""How was your first marriage terminated?""
A: ""By death.""
Q: ""And by whose death was it terminated?""

15. Q: ""Can you describe the individual?""
A: ""He was about medium height and had a beard.""
Q: ""Was this a male or female?""

16. Q: ""Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?""
A: ""No, this is how I dress when I go to work.""

17. Q: ""Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?""
A: ""All my autopsies are performed on dead people.""

18. Q: ""All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?""
A: ""Oral.""

19. Q: ""Do you recall the time that you examined the body?""
A: ""The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.""
Q: ""And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?""
A: ""No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.""

20. Q: ""You were not shot in the fracas?""
A: ""No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.""

21. Q: ""Are you qualified to give a urine sample?""
A: ""I have been since early childhood.""

22. Q: ""Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""Did you check for blood pressure?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""Did you check for breathing?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""How can you be so sure, doctor?""
A: ""Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.""
Q: ""But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?""
A: ""It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.""

RELATIONSHIP ARITHMETIC
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little. To be happy
with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there-s no use in two people remembering the
same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn-t. A man marries a woman expecting
that she won-t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn-t understand
a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, ""What are the grounds for your divorce?""

She replied, ""About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.""

""No,"" he said, ""I mean what is the foundation of this case?""

""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,"" she responded.

""I mean,"" he continued, ""What are your relations like?""

""I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband-s parents.""

He said, ""Do you have a real grudge?""

""No,"" she replied, ""We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.""

""Please,"" he tried again, ""is there any infidelity in your marriage?""

""Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don-t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.""

""Ma-am, does your husband ever beat you up?""

""Yes,"" she responded, ""about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.""

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ""Lady, why do you want a divorce?""

""Oh, I don-t want a divorce,"" she replied. ""I-ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can-t communicate with me.""